Failure
Today have I sampled the bitter taste of failure, when a project I undertook on behalf of AFUA fell through. Badly. I've had my fair share of them in my life, but this is my first corporate failure, and I've never felt worse in the last 3 years. If AFUA were a real for-profit company I may well be fired for gross managerial incompetence. The feeling of incompetence, uselessness and guilt at affecting others by your failure is not something I'd like to experience again, but it's something I've experienced often enough and, in all likelihood, will experience time and time again in future.
dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! Self-flaggellation is no solution to this I know, but it's the natural thing to do, like mourning a dead relative.
And I realise that's the key: just like mourning, self-head-bashing is cathartic but doesn't solve anything. We use it to get the emotional toxins out of our system, then get on constructively with our lives. I accept full responsbility for my failure, but I'll not be hobbled for the rest of my life (or any length of time, far that matter) by it.
To those affected and let down: I'm sorry. I'm so so very sorry. I know how much what was riding on my project, and the contract we could have gained. But I'm also sorry enough to want to get on with my job and not wallow around in self pity for a few days. I've wasted one day as it is. Let's not mistake lack of guilty histronics and chest-beating for lack of accountability.
There. I've said it. I still feel pretty bad, but it's more like the residual pain after you've stopped slashing your wrists (which, by the way, I've never done. All my self-flaggellation, dreadful as it may be, is internal).
Today have I sampled the bitter taste of failure, when a project I undertook on behalf of AFUA fell through. Badly. I've had my fair share of them in my life, but this is my first corporate failure, and I've never felt worse in the last 3 years. If AFUA were a real for-profit company I may well be fired for gross managerial incompetence. The feeling of incompetence, uselessness and guilt at affecting others by your failure is not something I'd like to experience again, but it's something I've experienced often enough and, in all likelihood, will experience time and time again in future.
dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! Self-flaggellation is no solution to this I know, but it's the natural thing to do, like mourning a dead relative.
And I realise that's the key: just like mourning, self-head-bashing is cathartic but doesn't solve anything. We use it to get the emotional toxins out of our system, then get on constructively with our lives. I accept full responsbility for my failure, but I'll not be hobbled for the rest of my life (or any length of time, far that matter) by it.
To those affected and let down: I'm sorry. I'm so so very sorry. I know how much what was riding on my project, and the contract we could have gained. But I'm also sorry enough to want to get on with my job and not wallow around in self pity for a few days. I've wasted one day as it is. Let's not mistake lack of guilty histronics and chest-beating for lack of accountability.
There. I've said it. I still feel pretty bad, but it's more like the residual pain after you've stopped slashing your wrists (which, by the way, I've never done. All my self-flaggellation, dreadful as it may be, is internal).
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